Last night, I went to see Death Cab for Cutie with Dane. I had bought the tickets for Ailish’s birthday, one week before she died. She (and Dane, and several other people) had tickets to see Death Cab the last time they came to Edmonton in 2006, but due to problems with timing, Ailish missed the band. Several times, she had mentioned how disappointed she was, so I knew she would enjoy the tickets.

The concert was at the Shaw Conference Centre. Unfortunately, the sound was pretty craptacular. Even at the best of times, the Shaw isn’t known for its acoustics. Combine that with bad sound mixing and many of the songs may as well have been in latin for all I could make out. Still, the band was enthusiastic and I rather like many of the songs.

Of course, I absolutely balled when they played You Are a Tourist, as it was one of the songs we played at Ailish’s funeral. Still, I am very glad I went. I’m sure Ailish would have loved the show (and the beer area sectioned off at the back for over 18’s).

People ask me how I am doing.

I understand the concern, but I don’t know how to answer the question.

It has been 33 days since the accident. On April 20, 2011, my entire world fell apart. I still cannot think back to that day. I don’t mean that I find it hard to discuss; I find it all but impossible to even think about.

So instead, I just try to take one day at a time. A good day is one where I get out of bed, shower, put on pants, go to work, eat enough to get by, and take care of garbage, laundry, etc. That takes a monumental effort. Honestly, I think the only reason I don’t just stay in bed all day is that I can’t even get eight hours of sleep, and so I may as well get up and do something. Staying in bed would be worse. I cry every day. I try to focus on work, but I’m a long way from contributing 100%. I try to do paperwork, I try to write articles on this blog, I try to respond to email, but most of the time, it is just too hard.

And I have bad days. It’s always the surprising reminders of Ailish. I watched The Office on Friday, and James Spader guest starred (and did so excellently). He played Alan Shore in one of Ailish and my favourite t.v. series, Boston Legal. I immediately recognised him, paused the show, and turned to Ailish to express my delight. And of course, Ailish wasn’t there.

I don’t even really understand what it means to say that Ailish is dead.

This news article was posted to the online edition of CBC News on April 20, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

This news article was posted to the online edition of CBC News on April 20, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Journal on April 21, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Journal on April 20, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

Today is four weeks since Ailish died. I wanted to write an article today on what I particularly appreciated from my time with Ailish, but it’s been a really rough week for me and so I’m not up to writing that article yet.

Instead, I’m going to link to some songs that were meaningful to us.

This played during our first dance at the wedding.

Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight
This played during our second dance.

Linkin Park – Shadow of the Day
This song played at Ailish’s funeral in Edmonton as the family entered the chapel.

A piano version of the famous song from the Titanic, without Celine Dion’s warbling. Ailish used to play the first few bars of this whenever she visited her parents in Medicine Hat. This was the middle song played at Ailish’s funeral, and the song Ailish’s parents, Michael and Dominica used in Medicine Hat after their tribute.

For her birthday on April 13, 2011, I bought Ailish two tickets to see Death Cab for Cutie (along with the video game, You Don’t Know Jack). Her eyes lit up when she saw them, and I was so happy. This song is from their new album. This was the last song played at Ailish’s funeral in Edmonton, and the song I chose after my tribute in Medicine Hat.

Ailish loved this sort of music. She constantly demanded that we host a dance party on Friday nights, after date night and noodle consumption. Brian chose this to follow his tribute as it reminded him of Ailish’s visits to Medicine Hat and the funny dancing she would do. She would very much have approved.

Iris is one of the most beautiful songs. Ailish’s sister, Siobhan, chose this song to follow her tribute in Medicine Hat. Ailish had given her Big Shiny Tunes 3 to introduce Siobhan to modern music.

Every so often, I’d get an email or a text message from Ailish. It would go something like this:

“I ate some yogurt. It expired yesterday. Make sure you tell the doctor if I get sick!”

I never quite figured out why Ailish would occasionally eat food that had expired. Did she only realise after she finished eating it? Probably not; she thought my concern about expiry dates was a bit excessive. I tend to throw out milk a day or two before its best-before date, while she thought of the date as more a sort of marketing suggestion.

Today, I ate some shepherd’s pie that expired on April 29th. I had kept it in the deep freeze and only put it back in the fridge on Sunday.

This is the story of our first date, and how I almost screwed it up.

Ailish and I found each other through eHarmony. Neither of us had met up with anyone from eHarmony before.

Our first date was essentially blind. We had been exchanging emails back and forth for a little over a week, and had shared pictures of each other. But first dates are tough at the best of times, and blind first dates are particularly scary. So, Ailish and I had discussed some ground rules.

I would pay for the date. Though I generally think dates should be ‘dutch‘, I think the first date is an exception. We would be meeting up for dinner and desert, but nothing more than that. Once the meal was over, we’d go our separate ways. We’d not discuss the possibility of a second date, no matter how well the evening went. Instead, we would wait, and talk over email. No pressure, no awkward conversation at the end of the night.

At least, that’s how I remember it. Ailish insists we never had that conversation.

So, we met up at Matahari, just off of Jasper Avenue in Edmonton. Ailish had just said goodbye to her brother, Brian, who left on an exchange program to France, and I had just had my car broken into. It gave us something to talk about, at least. Actually, we didn’t stop talking. The date went extremely well, certainly the best first date I had ever had. A fascinating, intelligent woman, easy conversation, and she even liked Thai food and fried bananas.

Eventually, we had finished our desserts and I had paid the bill. But we were still talking. We were getting looks of impatience from our waitress, and eventually received a polite suggestion that we move along to make room for other patrons. So we did, but our conversation continued.

Right until we got outside. At which point, well, we were done. The evening was over. No going out for coffee. No discussions of a second date. No. We had discussed this, and agreed. So, I thanked Ailish for the date, and said goodbye.

But… well… only one of us thought that was how the evening was going to end. So, here’s me, thinking the date had been really successful; I definitely wanted a second date. And here’s Ailish, very confused, wondering if perhaps I was just being polite, right until the end where I abruptly stormed off, pretty much in the middle of the date, with no indication that I ever wanted to talk to her again.

The look of hurt and confusion on Ailish’s face finally clicked about half way home. I had monumentally screwed up.

Dating “rules” say you should wait two days to call after a first date. Or is it three? I waited twenty minutes. As soon as I arrived home, I wrote an email apologising, and thanking her for a wonderful evening. Even though we had agreed that the date would end when we were done at Matahari, perhaps I should have invited her for coffee anyway. And I definitely wanted a second date, if she’d oblige.

Ailish took a scenic route home so by the time she checked her email, my message was waiting for her. She quickly agreed to a second date.

Three years later, I discovered she didn’t actually like the fried bananas, she was just being polite. She always claimed we never had any arrangement for our first date, and I had just invented the whole thing. She did keep on agreeing to more dates, though, even after we moved in together. Even after we were married. They were always the highlight of my week.