Yesterday, I drove to Jasper and hiked Sulphur Skyline, a 7.5 Km hike with plenty of vertical. It’s a lot of driving for just a couple of hours of hiking, but as the hike is right by Miette, there’s hotsprings at the end.

I think probably Ailish and my third date was to the mountains for some hiking. We hiked up Whistlers Mountain, a trail that’s about 7 Km one way but with 1.25 Km of vertical. Pretty punishing, though you get to ride the gondola down. This date convinced Ailish that I was far fitter than she was. In truth, I had about 3% more energy left at the end, I was just able to take advantage of the breaks she called to catch my breath.

I had also taken up backpacking prior to meeting Ailish. That’s a somewhat crazy activity where you strap a 40 lb backpack to your back and walk into the backcountry. I liked it for the peace and quiet, as well as the physical challenge. Ailish, bless her heart, decided she had to see what this backpacking thing was all about and occasionally volunteered to come with me.

The problem was, Ailish was a rain god. Every single time we went backpacking, it rained. Generally, the rain would start 30 minutes before we started walking and end 30 minutes after we finished. I mean, the forecast could be for clear, sunny weather but if Ailish came along, she’d call the rain. One time, it actually started thundering before we could get the tent up. It’s actually quite scary being in a forest, on high ground, with thunder all around you.

One time, Chad and Ailish and I were hiking Jacques Lake, near Jasper. Not only did it rain for all 24 hours we were on the trail, but it was also quite cold. I remember after we set up our tents, there really wasn’t much to do other than to get into our sleeping bags. We were cold and tired and damp and it hadn’t been a very good day.

I had my iPod with me, so Ailish and I watched a science documentary called Connections. At one point, James Burke, the narrator, tells his audience to look around. How much of the technology surrounding us do we understand? We laughed and laughed. Sure, the iPod was technological, but nothing else around us was. Heck, there was nothing but trees for 13 Km. The fifty or so log bridges we had passed on our way in were the most cutting edge technology we had seen for hours.

Ailish never understood why I went backpacking. To her, it was a cold, damp, somewhat tiresome activity that had remarkably little beer. But she kept on trying. She kept on hoping maybe next time it wouldn’t rain, and she could figure out why I enjoyed it.

Here’s the story of a perfect Saturday. Or, occasionally, a Sunday.

Ailish and I would wake up far too early, and this was entirely my fault. You see, I find it really hard to sleep in, now that I’m all old. We’d go downstairs, pick up the paper, find the most recent Economist, grab a cup of coffee, and sit outside and read. We’d share interesting articles, chat about the world, but mostly just quietly enjoy each other’s company.

After a while, it was time for bacon. Actually, a whole meal; bacon, poached eggs, toast, some juice, more coffee, a bit of cheese, and salsa or ketchup, depending on who was eating. Ailish handled the bacon, I handled the eggs and the coffee. I set the table, but I’d always forget things.

We always ate the meal at the kitchen table, but afterwards, retreated to the living room for some t.v. Law and Order? Boston Legal? Some sort of BBC nature documentary? Whatever.

Then, nap time! Because any successful weekend has to involve a nap, don’t you know? I was never very good at naps. See, according to Ailish, an ideal nap had to happen on a weekend and ideally had to last for two hours. I occasionally made it to an hour, but more often, only managed 45 minutes or so, much to Ailish’s consternation. I tended to fill up the extra time with computer games, though I’d sometimes sneak back into the bed for more napping, and Ailish would always give me a dozy smile.

Post-nap, it was probably time for a board game. Settlers of Catan, ideally, though sometimes I could convince Ailish to play Small World, sometimes she could convince me to play Scrabble. Or maybe Bananagrams. We would play a few games, then perhaps, if the weather was good, go for a walk. Our neighbourhood has a number of lakes (actually, storm-water runoff ponds, but hey). Sometimes we’d see the ducks. Sometimes we’d listen to kids playing on the street. Sometimes we’d sit on a bench and talk about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And sometimes I would hold her hand and she would beam.

For the record, the nose beeping game and the squishy nose game are two entirely independent games that Ailish and I used to play.

The squishy nose game involved squishing our noses together as hard as we could, and then Ailish would announce that she had won. Occasionally, I’d try to claim I had won, but Ailish would give me a sad sort of look that said, “Look, Chris, you just don’t understand this game.”

The nose beeping game was slightly more fair, in that I at least had a chance of winning. I would touch Ailish’s nose and she would say, “honk.” She would touch my nose and I would say, “beep.” Most of the time, it was just a check to see if the other person was paying attention. But sometimes, we’d get a bit competitive and alternate nose beeping as quickly as we could, Ailish honking and me beeping. It’s surprisingly difficult. You have to pay attention to make sure you are saying the correct phrase while your partner is responding with the corresponding phrase. Inevitably, one person will eventually screw up, at which point we would fall over laughing.

They were both very silly games, and we enjoyed them immensely.

Last night, I went to see Death Cab for Cutie with Dane. I had bought the tickets for Ailish’s birthday, one week before she died. She (and Dane, and several other people) had tickets to see Death Cab the last time they came to Edmonton in 2006, but due to problems with timing, Ailish missed the band. Several times, she had mentioned how disappointed she was, so I knew she would enjoy the tickets.

The concert was at the Shaw Conference Centre. Unfortunately, the sound was pretty craptacular. Even at the best of times, the Shaw isn’t known for its acoustics. Combine that with bad sound mixing and many of the songs may as well have been in latin for all I could make out. Still, the band was enthusiastic and I rather like many of the songs.

Of course, I absolutely balled when they played You Are a Tourist, as it was one of the songs we played at Ailish’s funeral. Still, I am very glad I went. I’m sure Ailish would have loved the show (and the beer area sectioned off at the back for over 18’s).

People ask me how I am doing.

I understand the concern, but I don’t know how to answer the question.

It has been 33 days since the accident. On April 20, 2011, my entire world fell apart. I still cannot think back to that day. I don’t mean that I find it hard to discuss; I find it all but impossible to even think about.

So instead, I just try to take one day at a time. A good day is one where I get out of bed, shower, put on pants, go to work, eat enough to get by, and take care of garbage, laundry, etc. That takes a monumental effort. Honestly, I think the only reason I don’t just stay in bed all day is that I can’t even get eight hours of sleep, and so I may as well get up and do something. Staying in bed would be worse. I cry every day. I try to focus on work, but I’m a long way from contributing 100%. I try to do paperwork, I try to write articles on this blog, I try to respond to email, but most of the time, it is just too hard.

And I have bad days. It’s always the surprising reminders of Ailish. I watched The Office on Friday, and James Spader guest starred (and did so excellently). He played Alan Shore in one of Ailish and my favourite t.v. series, Boston Legal. I immediately recognised him, paused the show, and turned to Ailish to express my delight. And of course, Ailish wasn’t there.

I don’t even really understand what it means to say that Ailish is dead.

This news article was posted to the online edition of CBC News on April 20, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

This news article was posted to the online edition of CBC News on April 20, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Journal on April 21, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

This news article was posted to the online edition of the Edmonton Journal on April 20, 2011. You can read it there by following this link. I am republishing it here in case the Edmonton Journal subsequently removes the content. I believe doing so constitutes fair use as this entire blog is dedicated to commentary on the event described in the article.

Today is four weeks since Ailish died. I wanted to write an article today on what I particularly appreciated from my time with Ailish, but it’s been a really rough week for me and so I’m not up to writing that article yet.

Instead, I’m going to link to some songs that were meaningful to us.

This played during our first dance at the wedding.

Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight
This played during our second dance.

Linkin Park – Shadow of the Day
This song played at Ailish’s funeral in Edmonton as the family entered the chapel.

A piano version of the famous song from the Titanic, without Celine Dion’s warbling. Ailish used to play the first few bars of this whenever she visited her parents in Medicine Hat. This was the middle song played at Ailish’s funeral, and the song Ailish’s parents, Michael and Dominica used in Medicine Hat after their tribute.

For her birthday on April 13, 2011, I bought Ailish two tickets to see Death Cab for Cutie (along with the video game, You Don’t Know Jack). Her eyes lit up when she saw them, and I was so happy. This song is from their new album. This was the last song played at Ailish’s funeral in Edmonton, and the song I chose after my tribute in Medicine Hat.

Ailish loved this sort of music. She constantly demanded that we host a dance party on Friday nights, after date night and noodle consumption. Brian chose this to follow his tribute as it reminded him of Ailish’s visits to Medicine Hat and the funny dancing she would do. She would very much have approved.

Iris is one of the most beautiful songs. Ailish’s sister, Siobhan, chose this song to follow her tribute in Medicine Hat. Ailish had given her Big Shiny Tunes 3 to introduce Siobhan to modern music.