Our house has three bedrooms (and one office). Ailish and I actually managed to use all three.

The master bedroom, of course, was the default. It had the best bed, an adjoining bathroom, clothes, etc.

And then, we had a spare bedroom upstairs. I pretty much never used this, but Ailish did. Ailish and I had very different views on how a person should get up in the morning. I thought you should get up once your alarm clock went off. Or, ideally, wake up just before it went off. Ailish thought of the alarm clock as a sort of suggestion. One to be ignored. Over and over and over again. So, within a week of moving in together, we came up with a different plan. Ailish would wake up to her alarm at 5 or 5:30 in the morning, and walk over to the spare bedroom, where she would proceed to snooze for the next hour or so. Hey, in marriage, you have to make compromises.

We also have a bedroom in the basement. It’s much cooler down there, ideal for the summer months. The major downfall, from Ailish’s point of view, are the spiders. Despite there being no other insects as far as I can see, spiders just love the basement. Ailish hated spiders.

So, every time we slept downstairs, Ailish demanded that I do a spider check. This started out as just checking the corners of the room. Then I had to check the lampshade. The headboard. Then Ailish added the bathroom. I drew the line when she started implying maybe I should just check the whole entire basement, just in case.

I’ve been sleeping in the basement recently. It’s cooler and also darker down there, so it’s slightly easier for me to sleep. Last night, I found two spiders.

Today, the Medical Examiner’s report arrived in the mail. It had been delayed three weeks due to the Canada Post shutdown. The report did not tell me anything I did not already know, of course. Ailish had no alcohol or drugs in her system. She suffered ‘multiple blunt injuries’ as a result of being ‘struck by a bus’. She suffered broken bones, hemothorax, and hemoperitoneum.

The police investigation was initially expected to be wrapped up by the end of June, but now is expected to conclude around the end of July. The delay has nothing to do with the case, and I’ve come to expect everything will take longer than one may expect.

I could say that I’m trying to piece my life back together. But that’s just not true. At the moment, I’m just trying to survive each day. When I’m not woken up in the middle of the night by a page, I get a good night of sleep about two nights in three. When I get a good night of sleep, the days are tolerable. When I don’t, they aren’t. I get overwhelmed easily, and am very probably often inadvertently rude when dealing with people.

I go to bed around 8 PM, because there’s no reason to stay up any later. Besides, I’m exhausted, even on those nights that I did sleep well the night before. I tried calling someone to come and fix the leaking toilet downstairs, but when two telephone calls didn’t result in any progress, appear to have given up. I suppose I should probably call someone else.

On the other hand, I’m actually doing a better job of maintaining my lawn than my neighbours are. I was much more productive at work in June than I was in May. Training for the half marathon is progressing and I ran 16 Km on Sunday. I’m still losing weight, but at this point it’s probably because running consumes somewhere close to 3000 calories a week. And I’m hoping to go backpacking sometime soon, if it ever stops raining.

Every so often, I go down to the cemetery. This past weekend, I left roses on Ailish’s grave site. Roses always made Ailish smile. I tried to nap on Sunday, but I failed. Ailish, I’m sorry.

On Wednesday, June 29th, the City of Edmonton dedicated a bench to Ailish’s memory. The bench is in Winston Churchill Square in downtown Edmonton, right across the street from Chancery Hall where Ailish worked.

The plaque reads as follows:

1983 – 2011
In memory of Ailish O’Connor
A rising star
dedicated to the City of Edmonton
Genuine friend and passionate about family
Enjoy the view from here as she often did

The service was lead by John Dowds, the City Chaplain. The bench dedication and the service was organised by Lorna Rosen, Ailish’s boss.

I find it impossible to predict whether events like this will give me comfort, or just generally be hard and emotionally draining. Luckily, this was one of the former. It was wonderful to see so many of Ailish’s coworkers at the service, even though I got to talk to less than a tenth of them. Ailish loved working for the City of Edmonton. She felt that she could make a meaningful contribution to Edmonton itself, and she was challenged and inspired by her co-workers. Ailish and I often discussed the various projects she was working on, and the people she was working with. I wish I could have thanked everyone individually.

Afterwards, the family (Ailish’s parents and brother, and my father) went out for lunch and some conversation. It was a good day, and a touching way to celebrate a hugely important part of Ailish’s life.

Ailish’s wedding dress arrived a few weeks before the wedding. Having nowhere else to store it, she hung it up in my computer room.

I desperately did not want to see the dress before our wedding day. As a result, I spent the next few weeks being very careful to avoid looking in the corner of the computer room. I shielded my eyes when I entered, I stared fixedly at the screen whenever I was sitting down. I occasionally tripped over objects strewn on the floor as I exited, blind. It was all a bit silly.

Until our wedding day.

When Ailish walked in, I got my first look. All my hopes of making it through the ceremony with dry eyes ended immediately. I have never seen Ailish so beautiful as she was right then. The dress was absolutely perfect.

I’m pretty sure I told her that when she was up on stage with me. I’m also pretty sure that was our first kiss, to the amusement of the officiant as we had not yet started the ceremony. I didn’t care, I couldn’t wait to kiss Ailish, even if she wasn’t quite my wife yet.

Boys tend not to be too thrilled with flowers. So every so often, Ailish would bring home candy for me. She thought a complete meal should have meat, starch, and vegetables; I’d happily subsist on candy. I mean, a calorie is a calorie, right?

So every so often, Ailish would be home candy for me. Sometimes, she’d hide it under my pillow. Other times, she’d leave it by the coffee maker for me to discover in the morning. Sometimes, she’d buy it because I had had a hard day, but other times, it was just because she loved seeing me smile.

I would give Ailish roses from time to time, but it wasn’t the same. Roses aren’t nearly so tasty.

Sometimes, after a bad day at work, Ailish would come home all stressed out. She would be grumpy, hungry, and generally a little short-tempered.

I would play a game where I would see how long it would take to relax Ailish, to get her smiling again. Sometimes, it took a couple of hours, but that was pretty rare. More often, it took about half an hour. She’d change out of her work clothes (“put on comfy pants”), we’d sit and have some supper and watch t.v. Or maybe we’d go out for a walk, and I would hold her hand. I used to love watching the stress just drain out of her.

On days like today, I realise Ailish did the same for me.

Ailish and I got engaged on September 7th, 2009, in Montreal.

We had our first date in August, 2007. We bought a house together in August 2008 and decided to take a trip to Vancouver to celebrate and decompress. So it made sense to head out of town in the late summer of 2009, too. We decided to go to Montreal and Halifax.

What Ailish did not know is that I had decided early that summer to propose to her. I knew Ailish was special from actually before I even met her in person, but I had this whole plan. You have to date someone for at least a year before you move in. And you have to live with a person for at least a year before you get engaged. Well, living together had worked out really well. I mean, apart from the fence, but we swore never to talk about that. I’ve heard people ask how you know if you should get married. I don’t really know the answer to that question. To me, with Ailish, it was obvious. I was very much in love with her and I knew she was very much in love with me. We were partners. We could tackle anything the world threw at us. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Ailish.

So, I bought an engagement ring (after spending hours and hours and hours learning about different types of diamonds, different settings, styles of rings, trying to figure out Ailish’s ring size, etc.). I received Ailish’s parents’ blessing. And we were already planning a trip to Montreal and Halifax, so I figured what better opportunity?

I was so scared that I would lose the ring. I refused to put it in my checked baggage. I refused to leave it in the hotel room. I carried it around with me as we saw the sights in Montreal. And let me tell you, an engagement ring in a box is rather bulky. I figured I would probably propose either on Sunday, September 6th, or Monday, September 7th. We were leaving to Halifax on the 8th and I figured Montreal was probably more romantic.

So, the Sunday was a pretty good day. I mean, we had a great time wondering around Montreal, seeing the sights. But “pretty good” was not really what I was going for. I wanted to propose in our hotel room, in private, and when we returned to the hotel room, Ailish had received some emergency emails from work which stressed her out. So, Sunday was out and now I was down to one day. I mean, sure, I could have proposed in Halifax, but who knew Halifax would be so awesome?

Monday, September 7th, 2009. The most clear memory I have from that day is finding a little courtyard, sheltered from the street but open to the sky. We sat there for several hours, eating and drinking some beers, chatting and just enjoying life. It was just beautiful.

When we returned to the hotel room, I asked Ailish how she had enjoyed her day. When she responded, “Today was just the perfect day,” I knew my time had come. Ailish was on the bed, and I was on my knees on the floor. I remember telling her how happy I was that she had said that, because I had been waiting for the perfect day. I remember telling her how happy she made me. I remember telling her how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And I asked her to marry me.

Ailish’s response was, “Are you serious?!?” I started to assure her that I was, that in fact I had an engagement ring, and before I was even able to get the little box open, Ailish had said yes. When she saw the ring, her eyes sparkled.

That evening, we celebrated by participating in a pub quiz, though I’m not convinced we stayed for the whole game. We then spent the next ten months calling each other ‘fiance’ and ‘fiancee’. :)

My wedding day was amazing and awesome and full of love, kisses, family, friends, and beer. But September 7th, 2009 was the day I knew that the love of my life was going to marry me.

The City of Edmonton is dedicating a bench in Sir Winston Churchill Square to Ailish. Although the official dedication is not until the 29th, the plaque was affixed today. I have not seen it yet, but I was sent the following picture:

Today, Ailish was scheduled to write the CMA Entrance Exam.

Last year, she decided that she really needed more education to progress at the City of Edmonton. She had advanced quickly through the ranks there, but her Bachelor of Commerce degree would only take her so far. Ailish loved the whole strategic management part of her job, so the CMA seemed like a good fit.

It didn’t matter that she already had a busy life. It didn’t matter that she worked long hours, that she often went out for dinner with friends, that she preferred sleeping in on weekends. CMA was for her.

So began an eight month prerequisites course. Classes all day on Saturday, weekly quizzes, regular assignments and exams. And somehow, she was able to fit it in without compromising the rest of her life. Friday night dates were still on.

Ailish finished the prerequisite course earlier this year and did well on the final exam. She was attending weekly entrance exam prep classes to get ready for today. I have absolutely no doubt that she’d have done well on the entrance exam as well, and then there would have been two more years of classes, quizzes, assignments, and exams before she would have become a Certified Management Accountant.

When she set her mind to a task, she wouldn’t let anything stop her. It didn’t matter if it was the CMA program. Or running a half marathon. Or moving in with me. Whatever. Ailish made me so proud.