I never totally figured Ailish out. I didn’t expect that another forty years would help, and this was a continual source of joy for me.

Growing up in a small town, I learnt that dates, at least dates that do not involve going out for food, typically involve watching movies. Sometimes in a movie theatre, but more generally just watching a movie in your basement. I’ve watched a lot of movies. Heck, I’ve watched one movie more than 150 times. So it came as quite a surprise to discover that Ailish really did not enjoy movies. She found it hard to really care about the plot once we passed the half hour mark. Sometimes she didn’t even make it that far.

So, movies were out. But, I knew Ailish was fascinated by politics. As all sensible people know, West Wing is one of the greatest television series ever aired. Or, well, the first few seasons anyway. I figured it was worth a shot, and introduced her to the show fairly early in our relationship.

Ailish loved it. I figured, with seven seasons, this should last us quite some time but then, I didn’t figure on Ailish. Here was a girl who groaned whenever I suggested watching a movie more than 100 minutes long, and she just ate West Wing up. She’d demand that we watch episode after episode, back to back. In one weekend, we’d sometimes get through ten or more episodes. We would talk about the show when we weren’t watching it. She’d demand that friends (Jordan Lien!) buy the whole seven seasons immediately.

West Wing lasted us only about six months. Every television show afterwards was judged against it, and never favourably. The grand events in a relationship are, of course, memorable and important, but the joy comes from the little things, the days just hanging out, doing fun things and enjoying each other’s company.

Because of the nature of the accident, the Medical Examiner’s Office had to investigate Ailish’s death. And for reasons that are not immediately obvious, they had to do a blood toxicology report. On Friday, they finally wrapped up their investigation. Ailish, as we all knew, had no drugs or alcohol in her system whatsoever.

I expect with this information, the police will wrap up their investigation sometime in the next couple of weeks. I doubt their initial findings will have changed; Ailish was in a marked crosswalk and was crossing with a walk signal. She was not tired or distracted.

Today after work, I drove down to the cemetery and sat and talked for a while. It’s hard to keep a conversation going when only one side can contribute, so it was a long way away from a Friday Night Date. But the plot of land we chose is nicely shaded in the afternoon, and it felt good just to sit there.

I know Ailish is gone. I know she could not hear anything I said to her. But I am still glad I went and talked.

On Monday, we interred Ailish’s ashes. You can read the short tribute I gave here. We waited as long as we did after the funeral because Siobhan, Ailish’s sister, had gone to Europe.

The day was much harder than I expected. I guess, more than the funeral, it felt like I was saying goodbye to Ailish. I wanted to find the perfect words to say, but there just aren’t the words I need to express how much I loved her or how much I miss her.

We chose a plot of land at Westlawn Memorial Gardens here in Edmonton. I really like the location we chose. It’s shaded by trees, and far enough away from the road so as to be peaceful. There’s a picture below, but the grass is much greener than the photograph indicates. We do not yet have a headstone; that will be ready next spring.

After the interment, we went out to Earls for some drinks and to tell some stories about Ailish.

This is what I read out at Ailish’s interment on June 6, 2011:

Sometime after Ailish and I had professed our love for each other, Ailish had a conversation with me. She thought maybe we were saying, “I love you” too often. Maybe if we said it too often, it wouldn’t be as meaningful.

I disagreed. I disagreed about as thoroughly as I ever disagreed with her about anything. I knew how amazing Ailish was even before our first date, and every single time I told her I loved her, I meant it. I meant it with every part of my soul. I thought we should say it more often. We should say it every morning, before we left for work. Every evening when we came home. When we were cooking supper. When we were sitting watching television. Before we went to sleep.

And we did. And all I wish is that I could have told Ailish how much I loved her another million times.

Here’s a link to flowers my mom sent. WordPress won’t attach images properly and I’m not going to fight it any more.

We used the following three poems at Ailish’s funeral.

Love-Gratitude

The agony is so great…
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much
I would not hurt so much,
But goodness knows I would not
Want to diminish that precious love
By one fraction of an ounce.
I will hurt,
And I will be grateful to the hurt
For it bares witness to
The depth of our meanings,
And for that I will be
Eternally grateful.
— Shirley Holzaer Jeffrey

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
— Max Ehrmann

Still I Will Love You

If my tears should dry,
And I no longer cry;
I will still love you.

If my heart should mend,
And from despair descend;
I will still love you.

If my feet should take me new,
Along paths you never knew;
I will still love you.

If my mind should once forget,
It will remind me yet;
That I will always love you.
— Dick Underwood

Yesterday, I drove to Jasper and hiked Sulphur Skyline, a 7.5 Km hike with plenty of vertical. It’s a lot of driving for just a couple of hours of hiking, but as the hike is right by Miette, there’s hotsprings at the end.

I think probably Ailish and my third date was to the mountains for some hiking. We hiked up Whistlers Mountain, a trail that’s about 7 Km one way but with 1.25 Km of vertical. Pretty punishing, though you get to ride the gondola down. This date convinced Ailish that I was far fitter than she was. In truth, I had about 3% more energy left at the end, I was just able to take advantage of the breaks she called to catch my breath.

I had also taken up backpacking prior to meeting Ailish. That’s a somewhat crazy activity where you strap a 40 lb backpack to your back and walk into the backcountry. I liked it for the peace and quiet, as well as the physical challenge. Ailish, bless her heart, decided she had to see what this backpacking thing was all about and occasionally volunteered to come with me.

The problem was, Ailish was a rain god. Every single time we went backpacking, it rained. Generally, the rain would start 30 minutes before we started walking and end 30 minutes after we finished. I mean, the forecast could be for clear, sunny weather but if Ailish came along, she’d call the rain. One time, it actually started thundering before we could get the tent up. It’s actually quite scary being in a forest, on high ground, with thunder all around you.

One time, Chad and Ailish and I were hiking Jacques Lake, near Jasper. Not only did it rain for all 24 hours we were on the trail, but it was also quite cold. I remember after we set up our tents, there really wasn’t much to do other than to get into our sleeping bags. We were cold and tired and damp and it hadn’t been a very good day.

I had my iPod with me, so Ailish and I watched a science documentary called Connections. At one point, James Burke, the narrator, tells his audience to look around. How much of the technology surrounding us do we understand? We laughed and laughed. Sure, the iPod was technological, but nothing else around us was. Heck, there was nothing but trees for 13 Km. The fifty or so log bridges we had passed on our way in were the most cutting edge technology we had seen for hours.

Ailish never understood why I went backpacking. To her, it was a cold, damp, somewhat tiresome activity that had remarkably little beer. But she kept on trying. She kept on hoping maybe next time it wouldn’t rain, and she could figure out why I enjoyed it.

Here’s the story of a perfect Saturday. Or, occasionally, a Sunday.

Ailish and I would wake up far too early, and this was entirely my fault. You see, I find it really hard to sleep in, now that I’m all old. We’d go downstairs, pick up the paper, find the most recent Economist, grab a cup of coffee, and sit outside and read. We’d share interesting articles, chat about the world, but mostly just quietly enjoy each other’s company.

After a while, it was time for bacon. Actually, a whole meal; bacon, poached eggs, toast, some juice, more coffee, a bit of cheese, and salsa or ketchup, depending on who was eating. Ailish handled the bacon, I handled the eggs and the coffee. I set the table, but I’d always forget things.

We always ate the meal at the kitchen table, but afterwards, retreated to the living room for some t.v. Law and Order? Boston Legal? Some sort of BBC nature documentary? Whatever.

Then, nap time! Because any successful weekend has to involve a nap, don’t you know? I was never very good at naps. See, according to Ailish, an ideal nap had to happen on a weekend and ideally had to last for two hours. I occasionally made it to an hour, but more often, only managed 45 minutes or so, much to Ailish’s consternation. I tended to fill up the extra time with computer games, though I’d sometimes sneak back into the bed for more napping, and Ailish would always give me a dozy smile.

Post-nap, it was probably time for a board game. Settlers of Catan, ideally, though sometimes I could convince Ailish to play Small World, sometimes she could convince me to play Scrabble. Or maybe Bananagrams. We would play a few games, then perhaps, if the weather was good, go for a walk. Our neighbourhood has a number of lakes (actually, storm-water runoff ponds, but hey). Sometimes we’d see the ducks. Sometimes we’d listen to kids playing on the street. Sometimes we’d sit on a bench and talk about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And sometimes I would hold her hand and she would beam.

For the record, the nose beeping game and the squishy nose game are two entirely independent games that Ailish and I used to play.

The squishy nose game involved squishing our noses together as hard as we could, and then Ailish would announce that she had won. Occasionally, I’d try to claim I had won, but Ailish would give me a sad sort of look that said, “Look, Chris, you just don’t understand this game.”

The nose beeping game was slightly more fair, in that I at least had a chance of winning. I would touch Ailish’s nose and she would say, “honk.” She would touch my nose and I would say, “beep.” Most of the time, it was just a check to see if the other person was paying attention. But sometimes, we’d get a bit competitive and alternate nose beeping as quickly as we could, Ailish honking and me beeping. It’s surprisingly difficult. You have to pay attention to make sure you are saying the correct phrase while your partner is responding with the corresponding phrase. Inevitably, one person will eventually screw up, at which point we would fall over laughing.

They were both very silly games, and we enjoyed them immensely.