On my iPhone, I use a task manager called EpicWin. It lets you enter ‘quests’ instead of tasks. When you complete a quest, you sometimes get loot or to level up your little dude.

I’ve been using this for some time now. When you enter a new quest, you have to categorise it. One of the categories has a heart, so anything I did with Ailish, I assigned to this. By far, most of my entries went into this category.

Now, I use the heart category only when dealing with estate issues.

This is not what I wanted to be doing now. This is not how I wanted to spend my life. Ailish, I miss you so much, all the time and with all my heart.

I wish this was standard equipment on all motor vehicles.

Last night, I had a dream about Ailish.

Ailish had committed some sort of crime. She was going to be charged and faced the possibility of a jail sentence. She was very distraught, both about the crime itself and about the charges. She was crying. I told Ailish that everything would be okay, we’d get through this together. And then I gave her a big hug.

And then I woke up. We won’t get through this together. But at least I got a hug from Ailish, if only in my dreams.

Today, the Medical Examiner’s report arrived in the mail. It had been delayed three weeks due to the Canada Post shutdown. The report did not tell me anything I did not already know, of course. Ailish had no alcohol or drugs in her system. She suffered ‘multiple blunt injuries’ as a result of being ‘struck by a bus’. She suffered broken bones, hemothorax, and hemoperitoneum.

The police investigation was initially expected to be wrapped up by the end of June, but now is expected to conclude around the end of July. The delay has nothing to do with the case, and I’ve come to expect everything will take longer than one may expect.

I could say that I’m trying to piece my life back together. But that’s just not true. At the moment, I’m just trying to survive each day. When I’m not woken up in the middle of the night by a page, I get a good night of sleep about two nights in three. When I get a good night of sleep, the days are tolerable. When I don’t, they aren’t. I get overwhelmed easily, and am very probably often inadvertently rude when dealing with people.

I go to bed around 8 PM, because there’s no reason to stay up any later. Besides, I’m exhausted, even on those nights that I did sleep well the night before. I tried calling someone to come and fix the leaking toilet downstairs, but when two telephone calls didn’t result in any progress, appear to have given up. I suppose I should probably call someone else.

On the other hand, I’m actually doing a better job of maintaining my lawn than my neighbours are. I was much more productive at work in June than I was in May. Training for the half marathon is progressing and I ran 16 Km on Sunday. I’m still losing weight, but at this point it’s probably because running consumes somewhere close to 3000 calories a week. And I’m hoping to go backpacking sometime soon, if it ever stops raining.

Every so often, I go down to the cemetery. This past weekend, I left roses on Ailish’s grave site. Roses always made Ailish smile. I tried to nap on Sunday, but I failed. Ailish, I’m sorry.

Today after work, I drove down to the cemetery and sat and talked for a while. It’s hard to keep a conversation going when only one side can contribute, so it was a long way away from a Friday Night Date. But the plot of land we chose is nicely shaded in the afternoon, and it felt good just to sit there.

I know Ailish is gone. I know she could not hear anything I said to her. But I am still glad I went and talked.

On Monday, we interred Ailish’s ashes. You can read the short tribute I gave here. We waited as long as we did after the funeral because Siobhan, Ailish’s sister, had gone to Europe.

The day was much harder than I expected. I guess, more than the funeral, it felt like I was saying goodbye to Ailish. I wanted to find the perfect words to say, but there just aren’t the words I need to express how much I loved her or how much I miss her.

We chose a plot of land at Westlawn Memorial Gardens here in Edmonton. I really like the location we chose. It’s shaded by trees, and far enough away from the road so as to be peaceful. There’s a picture below, but the grass is much greener than the photograph indicates. We do not yet have a headstone; that will be ready next spring.

After the interment, we went out to Earls for some drinks and to tell some stories about Ailish.

Last night, I went to see Death Cab for Cutie with Dane. I had bought the tickets for Ailish’s birthday, one week before she died. She (and Dane, and several other people) had tickets to see Death Cab the last time they came to Edmonton in 2006, but due to problems with timing, Ailish missed the band. Several times, she had mentioned how disappointed she was, so I knew she would enjoy the tickets.

The concert was at the Shaw Conference Centre. Unfortunately, the sound was pretty craptacular. Even at the best of times, the Shaw isn’t known for its acoustics. Combine that with bad sound mixing and many of the songs may as well have been in latin for all I could make out. Still, the band was enthusiastic and I rather like many of the songs.

Of course, I absolutely balled when they played You Are a Tourist, as it was one of the songs we played at Ailish’s funeral. Still, I am very glad I went. I’m sure Ailish would have loved the show (and the beer area sectioned off at the back for over 18’s).

People ask me how I am doing.

I understand the concern, but I don’t know how to answer the question.

It has been 33 days since the accident. On April 20, 2011, my entire world fell apart. I still cannot think back to that day. I don’t mean that I find it hard to discuss; I find it all but impossible to even think about.

So instead, I just try to take one day at a time. A good day is one where I get out of bed, shower, put on pants, go to work, eat enough to get by, and take care of garbage, laundry, etc. That takes a monumental effort. Honestly, I think the only reason I don’t just stay in bed all day is that I can’t even get eight hours of sleep, and so I may as well get up and do something. Staying in bed would be worse. I cry every day. I try to focus on work, but I’m a long way from contributing 100%. I try to do paperwork, I try to write articles on this blog, I try to respond to email, but most of the time, it is just too hard.

And I have bad days. It’s always the surprising reminders of Ailish. I watched The Office on Friday, and James Spader guest starred (and did so excellently). He played Alan Shore in one of Ailish and my favourite t.v. series, Boston Legal. I immediately recognised him, paused the show, and turned to Ailish to express my delight. And of course, Ailish wasn’t there.

I don’t even really understand what it means to say that Ailish is dead.