Last year, Ailish decided it was time to host Christmas at our place. We had bought our house about sixteen months before, and had recently got married. Ailish decided this officially made us adults, and adults hosted Christmas.

So we went out and bought a tree. An artificial tree, because none of the real trees looked very impressive. And we bought Christmas lights. Ailish wanted to decorate the whole house with Christmas lights, but we eventually settled on the two posts outside our door. The tree shed sparkles, but she accepted this unexpected issue with grumbling annoyance. The house looked beautiful and even smelled Christmassy (though this was probably from the pine-scented floor cleaner we used).

On Christmas Day, we had my Canadian family over to visit. We had prepared stockings to hand out to everyone, and had a ready supply of beer to share. My sister announced her engagement. We exchanged gifts. We talked to relatives in England and in Medicine Hat. We cooked Christmas dinner. It was a wonderful day.

This year, I’m having a hard time. Last year was so magical. This year, the artificial tree has remained in its box. I don’t even know where the Christmas lights are. I’ve avoided people as much as I can. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, I will stop off at the cemetery as I do about once a week. And I will cry.

By request.

Computers and technology generally. Waking up early on the weekend. Relaxing Ailish after a hard day. Finding good tv shows to watch. Running (much to Ailish’s annoyance). You Don’t Know Jack (on the computer). Cooking thai food. General knowledge. Getting cars out of snowy areas. Legal stuff (Ailish thought perhaps I was secretly a lawyer and not a computer programmer). Going to bed early. Laundry. Using dishwasher to get dishes clean. Reading on the bus. Staying awake on the bus. Eating steak for dinner (like a lion). Chess. Playing guitar for Rock Band. Saying “I love you” in the morning (though only by a tiny amount). Keeping warm. Drinking coffee. Writing letters of complaint. Holding hands. Missing Ailish.

Naps, sleeping all night, cooking bacon, socialising, mopping the floor, stacking the dishwasher (though not pre-cleaning the dishes), rearranging the living room, reading, watching hockey games, painting walls, swimming, eating complete meals, loving friends and family, watching West Wing episodes back to back, Settlers of Catan, scrabble, studying, smiling, catching swedish berries in her mouth, tossing swedish berries at me, talking on the telephone, eating chips (or really, pretty much anything potato-related), cooking noodles, cooking vegetables, sitting outside on a summer morning, going for walks, her career, travelling, finding excellent hotels to stay at, shoes, playing the drums for Rock Band, drinking beer (regular beer, not fruit-flavoured beer), bettering herself, picking good gifts for people, golf, wearing scarves, playing the piano, getting into the Christmas spirit (including tree and lights), the nose beeping game, sewing, dancing, eating McDonalds, You Don’t Know Jack (but only the PS3 version, not the computer version), finding time, being happy.

Last week, I signed off on the headstone for Ailish’s grave. I had initially ordered it back in August, but it takes a while to get a(n accurate) rendering. It reads:

O’CONNOR
AILISH RUTH

April 13, 1983
April 20, 2011

A Chuisle mo Chroí

The last bit is an Irish expression which means, literally, “Pulse of my heart”, but it also means “my love” or “my darling”. Ailish was the love of my life. But more than that, Ailish loved her family and her friends so very dearly, and was loved in return. I thought it was a very appropriate sentiment.

It will be installed when the ground thaws in the spring.

The last three times I visited the cemetery, I noticed a rabbit who appears to live about five feet from Ailish’s grave.

We bought our house back in late August, 2008. That winter was particularly cold, but we often noticed a rabbit sitting, shivering, in our back yard. We couldn’t figure out why he didn’t dig himself a hole in the snow; he could at least get out of the wind. He was far too skittish for us to feed him, but he did seem happy to take up residence out back.

Around that time, we decided it must be good luck to have a resident bunny. What better judge of a house’s back yard could one ask for? We didn’t even mind when all the snow melted and we discovered how much poop a rabbit generates.

We fenced the back yard (and boy, that’s a story for another day), and the bunny visits reduced significantly. Still, we’d occasionally see rabbits in our neighbourhood, and so declared any day with a rabbit sighting must be a good day. When we were deciding on a location for our wedding, we visited the University of Alberta, which seemed all but overrun with rabbits. This was certainly not a deciding factor, but it helped.

I am happy to see that Ailish’s grave is bunny-worthy.

Today, a friend of mine forwarded me a link to a blog post entitled, “How Do You Love Your Loved One?” I am at a loss for words; I think that article is just about perfect. Rather than adding any comments of my own, I encourage you all to go and read it.

Today is six months. Since months since Ailish died.

Six months and one evening ago, Ailish went out with her friend, Janna, to celebrate her birthday the previous week and to chat about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. To Boston Pizza, if memory serves. As she always did, Ailish had a wonderful time. Six months ago, Ailish woke up before dawn and gave me sleepy hugs before she jumped in the shower and dozily started her day.

Most days, I would come downstairs to say goodbye to Ailish as she left to work, but that morning, I had had a terrible night of sleep so I didn’t go downstairs. But Ailish stopped by the bedroom before leaving, and gave me another sleepy hug. The last thing we said to each other that morning was our ‘I love yous’. I tried very hard never to leave the house without saying that, as did Ailish.

Three hours later, the doorbell rang and my world shattered.

The winter of 2010 – 2011 was particularly brutal here in Edmonton. It just never seemed to stop snowing, and it didn’t help that the roads weren’t cleared for weeks at a time.

Ailish drove her little 2000 Honda Civic to work most days, while I had my 2000 Chevy Cavalier. Hers was the better car, certainly, but mine had winter tires. And air conditioning, for that matter. The Cavalier quickly became the go-to car for longer trips but Ailish was perfectly happy driving hers to work and back.

Except last winter.

Ailish’s Civic just couldn’t handle the snow we got last winter. It quickly became standard practice for me to start putting on my snow pants while Ailish started her car, just so I could push the little Civic out onto the main street in the early morning darkness. And some days, even that didn’t work. Some days, Ailish just threw her hands up in disgust, and borrowed my Cavalier. Not a big deal as I worked from home all last winter.

After one particularly difficult morning where even the winter tires on the Cavalier didn’t seem to help, Ailish announced that she was not going to suffer through another winter with our cars. By the first snowfall of the next winter, we were getting an SUV. Something with four wheel drive and ground clearance. And winter tires. And it was going to be an import, because domestic cars are crap (even if the Cavalier always managed to get her to work, ahem).

According to the weather forecast, there’s a chance of snow flurries on Tuesday. Today, I took delivery of a Subaru Forester, a crossover/small-suv with lots of ground clearance and all-wheel drive. It was a vehicle Ailish and I had specifically discussed. Ailish wanted a larger SUV (Tribeca or perhaps a Toyota 4Runner), and perhaps we would have gone with one of those, but I preferred something smaller, something with better gas mileage.

It’s a beautiful car, and I miss Ailish like crazy.

Today, the Edmonton Police Service released the following statement:

The EPS Traffic Section has completed their investigation and charged Bruce Charles Perrin, 51, with one count of driving with undue care, and one count of fail to yield to pedestrian in cross walk.

Background:

A 28-year-old woman died after she was struck by an ETS bus while crossing a street in downtown Edmonton, at approximately 6:50 a.m. Wednesday, April 20, 2011.

An Edmonton Transit System (ETS) bus was turning left at an intersection at 102A Avenue to head south on 97 Street when it hit the woman, who was crossing in a marked crosswalk on her way to work.

EMS treated the pedestrian on site before transporting the woman to hospital, where her injuries were determined to be fatal.

The Edmonton Journal writes:

A 51-year-old bus driver has been charged with two Traffic Safety Act offences after a 28-year-old woman was killed by an Edmonton Transit bus in April.

The man was charged with failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk and driving without due care.

Ailish O’Connor, 28, was killed on April 20. A Route 1 bus was turning left from 102A Avenue into the southbound lane of 97th Street at about 6:50 a.m., when it hit O’Connor, who was on her way to work. The marked crosswalk is just south of the Edmonton Law Courts building downtown.

The trial is expected to start in June.

CBC News reports:

An Edmonton bus driver has been charged in the death of a 28-year-old city employee in April.

Ailish O’Connor was in a crosswalk at 102A Avenue and 97th Street around 6:50 a.m. on April 20th when she was struck by a transit bus making a left-hand turn. She later died in hospital.

Edmonton city police announced Tuesday that a 51-year-old man has been charged with driving without due care, and failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk.

I’m not quite sure why this was released today. I knew about the charges almost two months ago, and knew about the trial last month, when the bus driver plead not guilty. Still, I am happy to see that people have not forgotten.

The other night, I had a dream about Ailish.

In my dream, everything was a mistake. Ailish had been… misdiagnosed. She was fine, everything was fine. I was somewhat concerned about possible side-effects, but Ailish had a plan for dealing with these. I knew, even in the dream, that things were not going to be fine. I woke up crying, and wishing I could just stay asleep.

I thankfully do not remember very many of my dreams.